She's HOW old?! GWEN STEFANI,41, rocks the cover of COSMO March 2015

She’s how old?!
GWEN STEFANI, 41, rocks the cover of COSMO March 2015

JADA JAMS at 43! (And, no jelly on that bod!) SHAPE mag Jan/Feb 2015

JADA JAMS at 43!
(No jelly on that bod!) SHAPE mag Jan/Feb 2015

A man I know, age 36 and infamous for (exclusively) dating (extremely young) college girls (I’m talking undergrads, including Freshmen!), was telling me how super-young girls–that is, teenagers and early 20s–are considered the most desirable by our culture. Fashion magazines don’t have grown women on the covers, he asserted, as “proof” of his claim. He cited Taylor Swift as a particular example of this youth culture craze.
Well, I just didn’t think that could be right, based all the magazines I’ve seen at the grocery store check-out–besides women like JLo, Sophia Vergara, Jennifer Aniston, and Elle Macpherson being all over the place. But, I’m not into fashion mags, so I wouldn’t be paying attention to who was on which magazine type. So, I had a look!
WOW! He just couldn’t have been more wrong (misguided, more likely). He either hasn’t looked at magazine covers lately, and/or, he has serious tunnel vision and only zeroes-in on certain types (i.e. adolescents still in their training bras)

SOFIA SIZZLES at 42! SHAPE mag Nov 2014 They don't call her "Sofia Viagra" for nothing!

SHAPE mag Nov 2014
They don’t call her “Sofia Viagra” for nothing!

I was at the library, and when I walked in, I noticed the magazine shelves. I never get anything in this section.
However, they caught my particular attention because of what he said about fashion magazine covers only featuring young girls.

CHRISTY TURLINGTON, 46, Supermodel of the 90s--and NOW!

CHRISTY TURLINGTON, 46, Supermodel of the 90s–and NOW! Calvin Klein ad 2014

I am pleased to report that, as wretched/sick/youth-obsessed as the world may be, it is not nearly to the extent that he makes it. Thank God! Don’t worry, it’s still plenty superficial based on my findings. The sweeping majority are pretty people without cellulite. Only one, Lena Dunham, is un-skinny. In fact, she’s chubby. She’s also rather un-pretty. She’s also one of the four youngest. Weird. (I thought the young girls were supposed to be the main hotties.)
I was only looking at the first issue, the one on display, not those stacked behind them. But, then, I thought, “Well, maybe this one’s just an anomaly.” But, nooo! Haggard old lady after haggard old lady continued to pollute the covers with their bare rictuses!
Why is Christy Turlington, at 46, still a supermodel, and allowed to do Calvin Klein ads in a bathing suit? Outrageous!
Angelina Jolie? Jada Pinkett-Smith? Eva Longoria? Who would find them beautiful and sexy?!? Gross.


RUN, CINDY, RUN! CINDY CRAWFORD still a bikini babe well into her 40s

CINDY CRAWFORD still a bikini babe well into her 40s

VALENTINE VIXEN CINDY CRAWFORD, 49, sunning herself while husband snaps this shot for Instagram Feb 14, 2014

sunning herself while husband snaps this shot for Instagram
Feb 14, 2014

Here’s what I found: (From most current issue on-shelf to least current)







WHOA, J LO! Jennifer Lopez, 45, BILLBOARD mag June 2014

Jennifer Lopez, 45, BILLBOARD mag June 2014







Emmys 2015








ANGELINA JOLIE, 39 (40 this June)




HOT DISH! PADMA LAKSHMI, 44, host of Top Chef at charity ball Oct 2014

PADMA LAKSHMI, 44, host of Top Chef at charity ball
Oct 2014





ADS IN VOGUE (These are just from the 1st issue I perused–and I didn’t look through the whole thing.)







(There were also a couple of super-young girls, so I don’t think this is a “mature woman’s” brand.)

LATINA: (Not sure this counts as fashion mag.)


EVA LONGORIA, 39 (40 in March 2015)


LATINA mag Oct 2014


EVA LONGORIA, almost 40

(Not fashion mags, but all nearly-naked bodies, so still significant.)


KATE MARA, 31     




So, out of 26 covers: (Not counting the ads)
Only 1 teenager
10 in their 20s: Only 3 early-20s (under 25), and Only 3 mid-20s (under 27)
Of the 10 30-somethings, 6 are 35+. 2 of them turn 40 this year–1 in 4 months, the other NEXT month.
6 old ladies in their 40s (How’d they sneak in?!)
So, I’d say only FOUR of 27 are very to super young (24 to teen). Huh.
But, let’s not stop there! Let’s keep going up that Aging Hottie (hah!) ladder, shall we?

Electric Elle! Aussie icon Elle Macpherson at 50

Aussie icon Elle Macpherson at 50


ELLE, 50, on yacht with green juice drink. She says it’s the secret to her youthful appearance. I’ll have what she’s having!


CHRISTY BRINKLEY (supermodel of the 80s!)
at 60

Supermodel is SUPERWOMAN! age 60

age 60

BAM-BEVERLY!  BEVERLY JOHNSON, 62, supermodel of the 70s and 80s, first Black model on covers of Vogue and Elle Sept. 2014

BEVERLY JOHNSON, 62, supermodel of the 70s and 80s, first Black model on covers of Vogue and Elle
Sept. 2014

IMAN,58 (in this shot), Supermodel of the 70s and beyond MODA S mag DEC 2013

IMAN, 58 (in this shot), Supermodel of the 70s and beyond
MODA S mag DEC 2013

This is cause for rejoicing! And not just for us elderly women over 25.
See, this is good news for you, too, gentlemen:
Most GQ covers also had grown men on them. (The last 4 cover models were men aged 31, 20, 41, and 45.)
So, should you ever become a famous baller or whoremonger or something, you, too, can compete with–and even best–the recent Disney Channel grads!

M-I-C- "C" is for cocaine!

“C” is for cocaine!

Miley, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift, and Zac Ephron are among the alumni. Golly, they were so gosh-darn cute before they met cocaine and cocktails! Except Taylor. She’s still the poster girl for Wholesome Homecoming Queens. This is why I’m happy to have my little nieces among her fans, even though she’s absolutely silly. Once they’re in high school, though, I’m insisting they idolize Oprah and Sotomayor, damn it!

SUZANNE SOMERS, 68 Dancing with the Stars From TV's dumb blonde to brilliant businesswoman!

Dancing with the Stars
From TV’s dumb blonde to brilliant businesswoman!

RAQUEL ROARS  at the Emmys  RAQUEL WELCH, 73 Sept. 2013

at the Emmys
Sept. 2013

RAQUEL ROCKS at 74! Costume Designer Guild Awards Sept 2014

Costume Designer Guild Awards
Sept 2014

RED HOT SCREEN QUEEN SOPHIA LOREN, 80, at her birthday party Sept. 2014

SOPHIA LOREN, 80, at her birthday party
Sept. 2014

WELL, WHADDAYA KNOW? NYE VINTAGE PIN UP GIRLCHAMPANGE GLASSES AND MIDNIGHT CLOCKThis year, the dirty old man in red fur (aka Santa Baby) FINALLY granted one of the Most Wanted items on my long-standing (and long-ignored) Christmas Wish List. In fact, it has been my longest-requested item, besting all others with its 20-year reign. HOO-RAAAAAAY!!!
If you’ve read my other Santa posts, you well know that I, Venusian Goddess though I am (by now, this has been long-since indisputable–just accept it, please), underwent a ridiculously lengthy dry spell (I mean, like such that creates death in the African savannas) of (consecutive) Dateless New Year’s Eves.
Go ahead–guess the number of years! Half a dozen? Higher. A decade? Alas, longer. Well, you’ll never guess (if you haven’t already read my previous posts), so I’ll just tell you and end the suspense (which surely must be killing you).
TWENTY! That’s right, TWENTY. Noooo, not twenty months. No, you did not read that wrongly.

Yes, I really went TWENTY YEARS IN A ROW without a New Year’s Eve* date.

Not that I haven’t had some good NYE* times in spite of this, but, still, NYE is one of the biggest, most important date nights of the year, if not the most. I think it even supersedes Valentine’s Day which is only for official couples (or, those hoping to be). Let’s face it, you can’t really have a casual Valentine’s date; the high-romance lovey-dovey is just too obligatory.
But, with NYE, you can get all dolled up and go out on the glittering town, have a ridiculously expensive dinner and/or entrance fee, sip bubbly, and dance the blinking, flashy night away in the arms of someone you barely know (but find totally hot), culminating with that amusingly symbolic Midnight Kiss at the stroke of the New Year. IN SEARCH OF MIDNIGHT KISS
Then you go around wishing Happy New Year to total strangers while you all sing along to Auld Lang Syne playing not-too obtrusively, yet importantly, in the background.
You definitely have sex with your date even if it’s a first date. Because, hey–it’s New Year’s Eve. These things are permitted–even by the men in my First Date Sex survey who said “no way”, “too fast”, “slutty”. Even these delightful prudes are willing to withhold their Victorian judgment and ring in the New Year with a bang! (i.e. sexual fireworks after the other kind.)NYE FIREWORKS

So I have, at long last, ended my reign as Queen of Dateless New Year’s Eves. Yes, after TWENTY DATELESS YEARS.MASCARA RUNNING BEAUTY QUEEN

I even passed up Susan Lucci, who had to suffer through a humiliating nineteen consecutive years of Emmy Nomination Without Actual Emmy. Yes, Susan, your nearly two decades of Emmy teases were eventually bested by me as I passed Number 15, 18, 20 Dateless NYE.
But here is the REAL KICKER. The thing that will totally blow you away.….are you ready?

My NYE date this year was the LAST NYE DATE I HAD, TWENTY YEARS AGO! OMG. I swear, it’s true! I ended up with the guy I dated twenty years ago when I was super-young. He even remarked that I “had a dress like that when we were dating” referring to the RED HOT little number I barely squashed my boobs through on December 31, 2014. Which I paired with an impossibly glittery pair of near hooker-high heels. Which I never took off the entire night–not once! Because, hey–this is not Amateur Night for me, baby. I’m a pro. (Uh–not like that! You know what I mean. Stop it.)

My actual shoe. Sorry, that's all of my outfit I am willing to show you.

My actual shoe. Sorry, that’s all of my outfit I am willing to show you.


So, I got all dolled up (I have to say that I looked totally effin’ HOT), had a glamorous evening in an elegant venue, sipped bubbly, had a well-mannered, well-dressed, good-looking date (who, btw, looks pretty damn good without clothes), kissed at midnight, and got home safely (in the hands of a sober driver) where we continued with an after-hours party pas de deux.  (i.e. more dancing, more wine, and engaging in sexual congress like crazed weasels in heat)CRAZY WEASEL COUPLE

Symbolic of our private after-hours party activity--POP!

Symbolic of our private after-hours party activity–POP!

So, what more can I say, except, THANKS, SANTA!
See you next year? Please, let’s not make it another twenty before you go down my chimney again.
(Gee, that somehow sounds dirty.)


Blessings of bubbly and bling,

Found this on the internet, laughed until my eyes teared up!



Posted: December 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

You are fast-becoming just one more man who’s lured a girl with false hopes, taunted her with her own dreams, then smashed her gingerbread n’ candy cane delusions to bits. I’ve never once complained, never slandered you, haven’t gone around telling all 5-year-olds that you don’t exist. No, through all these years of being unwaveringly slighted by you, I have yet remained faithful. “Maybe it’s Alzheimer’s,” I rationalize. “The guy’s old. He just forgot where I live—and who can keep up with all my changes of address, anyway? Can’t blame the geezer for that.” So, I am giving you yet, another chance at redemption.
Note: For ease of use, I have divided my requests into categories. You’re welcome.

*Liposuction (You know where) COOKIES FOR SANTA2
*Boob lift (You know why)
*Collagen injections (If it’s good enough for Cindy Crawford, it’s good enough for me! NOTE: She’s finally admitted she’s been having this done since age 29.)
*The nearly-perfect, blemish-free skin I had before I turned 30 and entered late-life puberty (complete with schoolgirl crush)

*Tina Turner’s legs
*J.Lo’s tummy (I already have the big, brown, booty)
*My niece’s hair
*My nephew’s eyelashes
*Whitney Houston’s pre-Bobby, pre-crack vocal chords (Anyone else see her perform at the Winter Olympics Awards Plaza? Embarrasing. Sad. Very sad.)

*Live-in Masseur with HUGE hands
*Sauna like in Korea (Mmm…those were the best!), colored rock &crystal mosaics, and marble floor for cooling down included.

BROWN AMBITION TOUR: (Both a nod and a jab at Madonna, circa 1990)
*Book deal with whomever published Bridget Jones’ Diary (Yes, actually, I do know it was Penguin Publishers.)
*Book signings in New York City: Barnes and Noble in Columbus Circle
and Washington Square (You know, where Sting and Tim Burton had their signings—my mom still has the photos!)
*Guest spot on Oprah
* Cover of Vanity Fair (US, UK, Italy, France)

*Night watchman tour of the Louvre Museum

*Nice house for my mom with housekeeper and cook, in undisclosed location so you-know-who and his horrid wife can’t try to move in–again–with their litter.
*Six sons: Two in college (earning top marks, of course), the other four aged 20 months to three years (a set of two-year-olds would be nice) and a nanny for each. (I’ve changed enough diapers to last my whole life plus two others, starting with my brother’s when I was six. Thank you for preparing me with that Poopy Patty Doll you gave me when I was four. A teddy bear would have been less complicated–and, probably more fun–but you knew what was good for me.)

*Organic farm with all necessary laborers. (Didn’t say I wanted to work on the farm.)
*Winery (ditto)

*Unshakable peace and serenity
*The quiet, graceful confidence of Maya Angelou in “Phenomenal Woman”.

And, finally–you knew this was coming!–

Let’s face it, I’ve become the Susan Lucci of New Year’s Eve.
Note for the uninitiated: Arguably the USA’s most popular soap opera star ever, Ms. Lucci was, nonetheless, nominated, then passed over for the Daytime Emmy Award (TV’s “Oscar”) THIRTEEN YEARS IN A ROW.
I am now on my TWELFTH consecutive year of dateless New Year’s Eves. In fact, this date better include a jet, opera, Armani, and a midnight Cristal toast atop the Eiffel Freaking Tower.
Let him be married, gay, or crazy, and I JUMP! Don’t screw this up, mister!

COCOA FOR SANTASo, there it is.
The stockings will be hung (black fishnets ok?). The cookies will be warm. The cocoa will be spiced with your favorite pretty poison. I will be cozily snug in my bed with visions of Denzel, Clooney, etc.–you know the drill. My hopes hang on you, Claus. Fail me not.
As the song goes, “I really do believe in you…let’s see if you believe in ME.”
(“Santa Baby” by Javits & Springer, 1953)

Faithfully (if, skeptically) yours,


Santa's Cookies and Milk Martin


Ok, kids!
If you haven’t done so already (ya’ slackers!), it’s time to get out your best pen and stationery and write your letter to Santa. I know, I know, you’d rather email or, even, text, but, NO! Give not in to this new millennium temptation. After all, you wouldn’t leave the jolly old elf virtual cookies and milk, would you? (And, if you would, get the hell off my site, you heretic! I’ll not stand for such sacrilege here.)

Here, as inspiration, are Auntie Silk’s very own Santa letters (read: desperate pleas), starting with this one from the Way Back Machine, 2004, Milan, Italy.

Dear Santa,   angel kid
I have been a VERY good girl this year. Exceptionally so, I would say. In fact, I can’t think of anything bad I have done. (Well, maybe one or two things, but I hardly think those should count–heck, nobody’s perfect.) So, I am asking for just a little extra this Christmas.       DIAMOND BRA

1. Laptop PC (Please include MS Office and Internet, without which, it’s just a glorified typewriter.)

2. Fabulous date for New Year’s Eve, or, as I will be in Italy, “San Silvestre/Capo D’anno”. ( I already have the gown and, more or less, the coach, so you can give Madame Bibbity Bobbity the night off. I detest rodents, anyway.)

3. Work Visa so I can support myself abroad without fear of prison or deportation, or, worse, marriage to an Italian man.

4. Nice apartment in Milan(o), rent and utilities paid for a 12 month minimum. (I like Via Tamburini, where my doctor lives, but just do your best, sweetie. That’s all I ask.)

5. thru 8. A brain, a heart, a home, courage. Oh, wait–I’m plagiarizing Frank Baum AND MGM studios. (But, still, a very good wish list.)

9. Movie deal starring in off-beat, witty, romantic comedy of manners (in style of Oscar Wilde) with any or all of the following: Denzel, Ray Liotta, Johnny (duh). Preferably, with all 3 in hot pursuit of my affections, and no other actresses under 60. (Joan Plowright and Dame Judi Dench would be o.k..)

10. As a stocking stuffer, should you be feeling extra generous and rewarding of good behavior (I’ll hang one, just in case), I have always fancied myself in the Victoria’s Secret diamond-studded brassiere. (You know what size–after all, you see me when I’m sleeping, you sly old dog!) Never mind there being no occasion to wear such a thing as I have been invited neither to the MTV Awards nor a party hosted by Donatella Versace (or, Cher). Heck, if I have a diamond bra, I’ll wear it to Wal-Mart!

Oh, yeah, and World Peace. (You must have some connections, see what you can do.)NOBEL PRIZE

Now, Santa, darling, I wouldn’t dare attempt flattery–you’re much too sharp for that!–but, sincerely, I have always been partial to elderly men in red fur. I find them extremely attractive. People Magazine has been wrong all these years–YOU are the Sexiest Man Alive.

See you soon, sweetest, bestest, favoritest, handsomest, smartest, most GENEROUS Santa Claus EVER.
XOXO (ad infintum),
Your (nearly) Perfect Little Angel,

P.S. The cookies will be waiting!Cartoon-Cookies-and-Milk-for-Santa


Actually, it’s more of a deep, dark, cave But, yes, there are signs of life here, so don’t stick a mortician’s tag on my toe just yet– haven’t even freshened up my pedicure!

So, how’s it going out there in the Land of Singles? Any new slam dance partners, experiences, headaches smashing into others in the mosh pit?

I just wanted to say, “Hello and long time, no see” since I’ve been on an unexpected hiatus. Definitely in Dating Detox after a way-too recent dating DISASTER. Thought I’d found love, but, alas….instead, what I found was a very sick man who needs a serious head adjustment. (And, apparently, I need a chastity belt to keep me out of further trouble. SIGH.)

So, that was a nice little romance! Fun, fun, FUN!

There’s a reason I named this site “Singles SLAM dance” not, “The Hokie-Pokie.”

So, feel free to share your adventures with Auntie Silk so she can live vicariously (i.e. risk-free) through you!

And, if you know a custom chastity belt artisan, get in contact and I’ll send you my measurements.

Happy Hunting!





And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the BIG REVEAL!

Sex on the First Date? Yes or No? What do you think of the woman? Is she slutty? Liberated? Moving too fast? SEX ON FIRST DATE TWO CHICKS

The OVERWHELMING MAJORITY, 62 men, said YES! 5 said it was “liberated”.
But, there’s a caveat—there must be a “strong connection”/great chemistry for almost every single one of these men. Otherwise, they say, it’s slutty. Yes, the guys say they want to feel special, as if they’re the only one you would do this. One guy even suggested that the woman tell her date that. i.e. “I don’t normally do this…”
Gregory, 40: “A normal guy will never think badly of a girl who gave it up on a first date as long as he thinks that it only happened with him. He will attribute it to his animalistic attraction.:-) So keep him believing it was a once in a lifetime thing for you.”

Some men offered the perspective that, after a certain amount of pre-date contact, it’s not really the “first” date.
Michael, 42: “After a bunch of emails, you’re pretty much on the third date by the time you meet.”
Robert-51: “A lot of the foreplay happens mentally before that first date. And she’s not the only one having sex on the first date. So if there’s a judgment to be made, it goes both ways.”

These men further eschew the label “slutty”:
Dan, 45:
“She’s not slutty, but open minded enough to enjoy things in life.”

Amos, 40s group: “I would consider her a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it, a liberated woman on equal footing with a guy.”

GREG, 30:
“I’ve had my two longest relationships with people who have blown me on the first date. Sometimes the chemistry is there and it is acceptable. I’m not judging that, I’m happy if someone wants to sleep with me. I think maybe at 21, it seemed a little ‘easy’ (slutty), but as you get older, there is something refreshing about someone admitting, ‘I had a great time and want to have sex with you.’”

“There is nothing wrong with sex on the first date or the last date. The first thing is that the woman needs to be aware of what she wants and who she is. If she’s in tune with those things, she will have no problem. If she is a 2nd or 3rd date type of person, that’s fine, also. If a woman can say, without taking a breath, that she wants to sleep with me and feels good about it, she is probably someone I want to see again. If she is resisting because of social conditioning, then I probably will not want to sleep with her or date her.”

Chris, 30:
“I don’t make judgments about a woman one way or the other about how long it took her to have sex with me. But, if anything, I’d say liberated. It’s nice to see a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to get it.”

H.R., 30:
“I don’t think ill of her. I’m just happy that she was laid back and fun enough to run with the magic and the mood. She’s on the fast track to girlfriend.”
This man gets more specific on the qualifiers for “non-slutty first date sex”, illustrating the general consensus that there should be a “strong connection”:
V.M., 30:
“It depends on why a woman has sex on the first date. Let’s be honest, you women know whether you’ll sleep with a man by the time we introduce ourselves, so most of the time, if a kiss happens on the first date, that decision is known and stopping short becomes a formality, and then sex just happens on the second date, anyway. A chronic case of first date sex would indicate that a woman is lacking in good judgment or reckless, but if the chemistry is just that strong, go with it. It’s definitely liberating. Moving too fast is a phrase so tired that it’s meaningless. A woman has to be in touch with her emotions to deal with first date sex. If you want to and feel comfortable, why not? If you don’t, don’t.”

We have these matter-of-fact comments from the 20s group:
Mick, 23:
“Honestly we are all adults here, and guys aren’t the only ones who have needs.”
Sean, 22:
“I’d say if she wanted to and was fine with, that it wouldn’t be a big deal. I feel it’s more old school to wait months.”

Dan, 61: “If you mesh, do it. Life is too short to play games; have fun.”

5 guys said it didn’t matter if there was a connection/chemistry, first date sex was still ok. 2 are in their 50s, the others are as follows:
Shep, 32: “It doesn’t make sense to me to think of a girl as slutty after I slept with her so soon because I slept with her, so what does that make me? In a perfect world, I would love all women to give it up right away, lol, but it’s not a perfect world.”
Another guy in the Age Unknown group echoed that sentiment, “Why does a guy get props, but a girl is a whore?”

Hugh, 42: “Yes, if there is chemistry, no if there is not with the exception of: no chemistry, but both clearly horny and drinking too much. Do it and move on.” Note: This is the man whose date flirted all night with the bartender–then he went home with her, anyway! (See Parts 1 and 2 of this dating survey.) He continues, “It doesn’t freak me out. It’s flattering, actually, that she digs me enough to put out on the first date.”

B.S., 40s group: “If she wants to fuck me, that is awesome. I love that, especially if she wants to fuck me again and again and again. In France, it’s just part of the date, a way to get to know someone…Ahh, French girls!”
So, to to all you guys out there having trouble getting laid–date French girls! They almost without exception reek of stale (and/or fresh) cigarette smoke, and their hygiene is questionable. But, if you aren’t odor-sensitive, don’t require rigid personal cleanliness, and don’t mind hairy legs and pits, Vive le France!

And, now, for the NOs…
A surprising (to me, anyway) 16 men Just Say “No” to First Date Sex. (Ref: Nancy Reagan, anyone?) Of them, 3 said it was “fast”, and 6 said it was “slutty”.

Michael F., 26: “When women want sex on the first date, they are really not looking for anything lasting.” Another 20-something echoed that, “It’s not slutty, but it’s not serious.”

Joseph, 31: “Sex on the first date is just slutty or desperate to try to get a guy to stick around. And I don’t date the type of girl that would because without a relationship, it’s meaningless and unsatisfactory .” So, does he think only the girl is slutty? No, he says. “It most definitely goes both ways, but you shouldn’t wave a steak in front of an animal and not be prepared for the consequences. Once the animal gets the steak, he doesn’t care about anything else, except maybe another steak.” Fire up the grill!

D.C., 30: “Absolutely not. I have a rule of a minimal of 10 dates before sex can happen. Could be longer. I think it’s trashy. But I have been dumped for waiting on sex too, so whatever. I love sex, but don’t think it should be a building block for a relationship.”

Bruce, 45: “I guess I look at things on a different level. Whoever a person sleeps with becomes a part of them forever. When I was young and handsome, I had women try to follow me home because they wanted to screw me. I always sent them on their way. A girl should be sure she hasn’t relegated herself as ‘Just some chick I banged off of Craigslist.’ Also, I would never sleep with a woman who was drunk. Would never want to wake up to, ‘Who the frik are you???’ “

Eddie, 44: “It’s difficult to take a woman seriously as anything more than a warm hole.”
A man from NYC agreed, “Slut alert”.

C.R., 44: “I am not a fan of sex on the first date. Maybe I’m just over it. I think sex can be something that people really take for granted. I have become someone who is really trying to go slow in all aspects and not rush into anything. I think maybe even more than a hug and kiss on the cheek may be too much for the first date. If you wanted it on the first date, I would be flattered, I would not think any less of you, but I would also say no. I’m not sure I’d say slutty, I’d just say a bit too fast for me.”

Richard, 51: “Moving too fast. There’s nothing liberating about sex on a first date. Slutty? No. Addictive behavior? Quite possibly. Pretty much throws the possibility of a relationship out the window. For a guy, anytime there is sex without an emotional connection and long term commitment, the focus of the relationship becomes sex. Developing an emotional attachment takes a back seat to the sex.”

Andrew, 55: “NO!!! I like the chase, and in my experience, women who give it up on the first date are nothing but trouble. Sure, I will fuck you if you let me, but you will not be my steady GF; you may be a FWB. It shows me that you are stupid and easily manipulated, not liberated.”

A bit of non-judgmental ambivalence comes from an older gentleman:
A.M., 60: “Actually, I prefer not, but, if she’s comfortable with the guy, then why not? It’s amazing that females hold onto morals that were placed on women, by women, during the 1940s and 50s. Let him be himself and you be yourself and just have a good time together.”
A man from San Francisco (Age Unknown group) was laughably ambivalent:
“Generally not a good idea, but it depends on the chemistry and how long since you got laid.”

And, finally, we have a man who, doesn’t think it’s slutty, just dangerous.
Pietro, 50s group: “If this was pre-AIDS or the 1960s, the answer would probably be ‘yes’ if all the planets aligned properly—but today it might be a death sentence, so the answer is NO, NO, NO to any exchange of fluids without testing and a lot of trust built-up over more than a few dates. ”
Well, if that’s not a Public Service announcement for abstinence…!SEX ON FIRST DATE CHUBBY T-SHIRT

Thanks, again, to all of the men who participated in my survey!

BARBIE AND KEN WALTZ Perfect-Girlfriend_o_96045
In My Ideal Life, I have lots of sex. Whenever I want. With whomever I want. And, this is never a problem for anyone, emotionally or health risk-wise. (At this point, I know I am truly fantasizing because this would never, ever work for me.) I get sensational oral and I never have to give BJs. I only do that if I really, really want to. Which ain’t gonna happen often because, let’s be honest, the vast majority of women don’t actually enjoy that. (See Esquire oral sex survey diagram.The Bad News: 70% of women don’t actually get pleasure from it. The Good News: 46% do it because they like pleasuring him. ) After it’s over, he will magically vaporize, and I’ll just lie there, in my blissful aloneness and think how good that was. (I actually stole that sentiment from a man or two. A friend of mine jokes that a woman should turn into a pizza afterward.)

ESQUIRE ICECREAM STICKS BJSSo, fantasy aside, what do you think about oral? How do you men feel about it? How do you women feel? It has been my understanding after 20+ years of being sexually active (non-consecutive years, alas) that most people, both men and women, would really rather not give oral. Based on the info. I’ve been given, and on my empirical knowledge, they generally do it for the following reasons:

1. They give it to get it (this is usually men). They don’t necessarily enjoy going down on someone, but they certainly want to be gone down on. Fair is fair.

2. They do it to please their partner. Sometimes, there is pleasure derived in the giving of pleasure, itself. Other times, they feel pressured and/or obligated. (This is usually women, and it’s a terrible, oppressive thing.)

3. They truly enjoy it. This is most elite category of oral givers. There do exist some people on the planet who like the physical/sensory experience. Let me make the distinction between this and the enjoyment that comes from  giving pleasure. I’ve known some women who get off on the power it gives them to make a man go crazy with pleasure, and men who love doing that to a woman. That is not what I’m talking about here. I am talking about those very few people for whom the feel, taste, smell, and sight of the genitalia during this act are a turn-on. I have had the pleasure of encountering about three such men. Three in twenty-plus years. There are three others I can think of who did it gladly, enthusiastically, and were very good at it. But, I think that for them, it was more the pleasure-giving aspect whereas these other three men just really, really like vagina and could stay down there for hours if they never needed air. But, I  doubt there are many in existence. I am sure there are such women, as well. I just don’t know of any. Ladies? Please speak up!

4. To get favors in return, sexual or non-sexual. I have personally used the lure of a BJ to get a boyfriend to do my will. Most men will do almost anything for a good BJ. And, like pizza, most BJs are consider good by definition. Is there such a thing as a bad BJ? The kind a man would actually rather not get? Well, I did know one man who said that a woman he was with scraped him with her teeth, so he stopped her to prevent any further damage. Question: was this woman really that bad at giving BJs, or just really smart about avoiding them?



Sadly, many women do not enjoy receiving oral, either. This is generally due to sexual hang-ups and the inhibitions they have, the inability to just loosen up and relax and enjoy it. The biggest reason they don’t enjoy it, however, it that they DO NOT GET IT. Men are infamously selfish in bed. Go ahead, guys, rant and rave at me, get out your pitchforks. But, I actually heard this from a man, “Most men are bad in bed because they’re selfish.” So, the guys who actually make an effort and want to please us are already ahead of the game.

You know what the biggest issue (turn-off) with giving men oral is? They expect and even demand it . Yes–force it on us! How sexy is it to have your head shoved down there, or something abruptly stuck in your mouth? Answer: NOT VERY. Men will do all this to get it, and at the same time,  do not want to give it! They don’t reciprocate at all, or they do it for five seconds and figure they’re even. I read in GQ (I think) not too long ago that the number one reason for a man to cheat is that the woman is not giving him oral!!! So, it is that important, but they don’t want to do the same for the woman? WTH?

One wise young man, 24, from NYC, wrote to me, “I agree with most of your statements regarding oral sex, but I would like to add one thing. Oral sex, in my eyes, is an act of submission. It is why most men love receiving but dislike giving. Most men do not want to submit to a woman.” Men, do you agree with this? Fess up!

Another friend of mine said my statement that most women do not enjoy giving oral was a “bombshell” to him. I was surprised by this. Do most men really think we like doing it? That it gives us pleasure as well as them? I thought men were happy to receive despite knowing it was totally selfish of them. I thought men accepted that. But, he is not the only one, I suppose. One time–and I just cannot forget this–I was going down on a man (one of the True Vagina Lovers, btw, so I kind of owed it to him) who said to me, during, “That’s right, just enjoy it,” as if to coach me. WHAT?! He thinks I’m supposed to enjoy it? Lemme clue you in, buddy: when you are on the receiving end of a BJ, it is you who are enjoying it. DUH. If this needs proving, try giving one!

I gotta tell you guys, you would get sooo many Lover Points if you just went down on a woman without her asking (most won’t) or gesturing (many won’t even do that), and definitely without asking or gesturing for her to reciprocate. (She likely will, of her own volition, so thrilled is she that you have done the aforementioned.) And, do stay down there a reasonable amount of time, eh? Keith Sweat sings, “I wanna lick you up and down til you say ‘stop’.” To echo the sentiments of a comedienne whose name eludes me, “Once you get down there, I ain’t never saying ‘stop’!”










BARBIE AND KEN WALTZWelcome back! And, now moving right along to First Date Behaviors.

Here’s what the men had to say:

What behaviors are a turn-off/offensive?CELL PHONE USE ON DATE

I’m sure it will surprise no one to hear that the number one answer was Cell Phone Use, with 38 votes. For shame, ladies! Put those cell phones away! I promise, you’ll survive one hour without it. Get an extra therapy session later, if necessary. Take meds for withdrawal symptoms. Bring along your Xanax. But, stow it. Be strong.Says Michael, 31, “Looking at your phone every fucking 30 seconds is a major blower.”


The First Runner-Up, with 10 votes, was Poor Manners, especially, Not Saying Thank You! Ladies, I am shocked and sheepish. Didn’t your mothers teach you better? The men aren’t feeling appreciated for their efforts. Most have expressed that they’re quite happy to do plenty for you as long as they feel appreciated and respected. Show some love, ladies—say, “Thank You”! And, pray, do say it with decorous speech. 3 men said they despise a bad case of Potty Mouth. You may think that such a man has a stick up his a—I mean, keester! But, if he wanted to date a sailor, he’d have gone to the local naval base.
Third was Ex Talk, with 9 votes. (This also included talking about other guys, in general. One poor guy even said his date compared him to other sex partners. Yikes! Presumably, that didn’t happen on the first date, but who knows?) I thought this was a given. Girls, don’t talk about your ex. Honest, your date doesn’t want to know how wonderful he was, how much you miss him, how he done you wrong, or what kind of cute boxers he wears. When it comes to your ex, zip your lip. Ladies, unless you’re in the Olympics, stop carrying a torch!WOMAN OLYMPIC TORCH

Ok, women, we have been formally accused of not paying enough attention to our dates. 7 men listed Ignoring Me/Inattentive as their main complaint.Woman ignoring man in a bar
It also appears that we have not mastered the art of conversation despite being infamous for Yakety-Yak. 6 men complained of their dates Not Talking Enough/Not Carrying a Conversation (See next question!), and 5 said, Talking Too Much. 
So, either we talk too much, or not enough. Hm.

Next, we have five votes for Being Judgmental. One guy specified being judged for his past or lifestyle. One wonders what kind of sordid past he has…but, no matter! You mustn’t judge him! (Or, at least, don’t do it in front of him. You can text all your girlfriends—NOT DURING THE DATE, PLEASE!—about how he has five kids with six different women, and is a follower of Ed Wood—and not for his movies.)

Bad Table Manners was the main peeve of 4 men, with one specifying “talking with food in her mouth”. What? You mean he doesn’t want to see the masticated version of the food he’s paying for? SHOCKER.
3 men also specified Gum Chewing as a date no-no.
This charming illustration, contributed by Adam, 36, is simply amazing:
“Don’t take a sip from a drink and then spit the contents back into the drink, and then when the server says, ‘I’ll take the drink and it won’t appear on the bill,’ don’t say, ‘Well, if you’re going to throw it out, I’ll just drink it,’ and then, don’t proceed to drink the contents that were once in your mouth and then in the glass so that it’s all back in your mouth. I’ve witnessed this.” Ewww.
FYI, Being Loud also received 4 votes. So, let’s keep our voices soft and our food in our mouths. And, no backwash. Never backwash.

Oh–and be on time, ladies! Evidently, he’s not impressed with the results of the extra 20 minutes you spent on your hair, the hard-ass: Lateness garnered 3 votes.
Too Serious and Giving Attitude each got 2 votes. (Who, meee? Attitude??) So did Being Rude to Service People/Wait Staff. Our friend, Adam, 36, has another little tale:
“Don’t ask the server for a wine you know nothing about and when a he/she opens it and gives you a taste as a courtesy, don’t wait until it’s open to protest that it’s a synthetic cork and announce that you don’t want it…When a server asks if you’d like your meal boxed up, don’t stick your finger into her face and wag it, saying in the most annoying voice known to man, ‘No, no, no. No one touches my food but me!’”
These others received one mention each:
Flirting With Other Men–One guy told me his date flirted with the bartender all night, yet he still went home with her. So, apparently, he will have sex with you, but won’t ask you out again. And, he’s probably thinking of the waitress while he bangs you. Fair is fair!
Playing Dumb to Make the Man Feel Smarter–What are you, 80? This still happens in the 21st Century?!
Drawing Attention to Flaws/Self-Deprecating, Looking at Herself in Mirror/Using Compact,
Being Uptight, Bad-Mouthing People (including exes),
Bitchiness/Rudeness/Disrespect, One-Upmanship, Mocking Other People’s Clothes,
Being Negative, Complaining, Arguing, Being Materialistic, Masculine Behaviors,
Interviewing (making him feel like he’s on an interview), and,
No Eye Contact–More on that in the next question!

What behaviors would you find wonderful/a turn-on?
You might have seen this coming, based on the previous question…
The number one answer, with 21 votes, was Carrying On A Conversation! The men complained of women not holding up their end of a conversation, giving only yes/no answers, and not asking him any questions/showing interest.
Eye Contact came in a very close second, with 20 votes, and tied with Sense of Humor. I was really surprised at all the men who said women don’t make eye contact. Where else are you looking ladies? Oh, right—at the bartender! And, in your compact. And, at your CELL PHONE!
Ladies, it’s simple: look him the eye, talk, laugh! (But, not too loudly.)

A close third was Smiles/Flirting with 19 votes. As a complement, Light/Flirtatious Touching got 7. Of course, if you’re not interested, don’t lead him on. But, if you are—show him! Bat those eyes and show those pearly whites. VINTAGE FLIRTING And, go ahead—get touchy-feely!

With 8 votes was Good Manners, and in particular, table manners, politeness to wait staff, and saying Thank You.
Being Attentive/Showing Interest/Giving Undivided Attention got 8 votes. On that note, Good Listener got 4 votes.
Openness (being open with him) got 4 while Open-Mindedness got 3.
Being Herself and Being Witty each got 3 votes, and so did Kissing! 2 said they wanted a good night kiss. I guess the third is hoping for tableside smooching?
Being Easy-Going, Confident, and Outgoing/Friendly each got 2 votes.
Also 2 votes for Giving Compliments. Gentlemen like compliments, too, ladies! Tell him he looks nice, you love his shirt, he has beautiful eyes, great hair, etc. I practiced this just yesterday at the supermarket with a five-year-old. I told him, “You have very pretty eyes!” He just smiled and told his dad, next to him, “Everybody tells me that.” The kindergarten smoothie!

Other answers with just one vote each were:
Sexually Non-judgmental. When I asked him to clarify, he said, “Sexually nonjudgmental means being comfortable with your body, or, I guess ‘sexually liberated’. I don’t see it as slutty as long it doesn’t negatively affect other parts of your life, or people in your life.”
Showing Respect, Self-esteem (he specified “not pride”), Femininity, Optimism, Energetic, Offering to Pay,
(makes the first move) Q., 33: “Not afraid to go after what she wants”
Curiosity, Honesty, Holds Her Drinks, Straight-shooter,
General Gratitude
(which goes along with all the “say thank you” comments), Kindness, and, finally,
A Soft Voice
According to an article in Mail Online, The Husky Voice of Seduction, , “A lower tone when speaking to the opposite sex is a sure sign of attraction.”
So, go ahead, girls–get your Bacall and Dietrich on!LAUREN BACALL SLIVER DRESS

Be sure to check out Part 3, the final question: SEX ON THE FIRST DATE?

Happy Hunting!

In response to my “Lowdown on Going Down” post, my loyal reader and our good friend Richard assured us that there is, indeed, such a thing as a BAD BLOW JOB. Sooo, being the naturally inquisitive and eager-to-educate (myself) girl that I am, I asked him to comment on what makes a good BJ. Here is what he had to say:

RICHARD, 51: There’s really not a lot that goes into a good BJ. Mainly just appear you enjoy giving it (even if you don’t–fake it), like it’s the best thing you’ve ever had in your mouth. And, occasionally look up into his eyes. That said, here are some BJ DOs and DON’Ts:

– Lick it like a lollipop.   LOLLIPOP MOUTH
– Look up at him with a look of appreciation in your eyes, like you can’t believe your good fortune to be sucking on his cock.
– Gently suck or lick his balls once in a while, but be careful! They must be handled with care.
– Disengage the mouth and tongue long enough to jack it a few times before going at it again.
– Swirl your tongue around the head.
– Give him a BJ while it’s still wet from being inside your vagina. YES. That is a huge turn-on.
– Deep throat, but only if you can suppress the gag reflex.
– Moan with pleasure.

– Try to jam your tongue down the hole in the tip. OUCH! Very painful.
– Spit on it.
– Slobber on it.
– Deep throat if it causes you to gag. Nobody wants a BJ if they fear you’re going to puke at any moment.
– Rush it. We don’t want to feel like you’re just fulfilling your sexual obligation.
– Spit out his load. Don’t ever spit. If you can’t swallow, don’t let him cum in your mouth. Spitting feels like a personal rejection, at least for me. If you absolutely do have to spit, make it seem like you just couldn’t handle his voluminous load and you had to spit to prevent drowning in semen.


DON’T MISS OUT! There is a heated discussion going on in the Comments Section with lots of juicy tidbits. So, click on the COMMENT BUBBLE (looks like a cartoon dialogue bubble) at the TOP RIGHT of the post and join in!
TEASER: Here is a sample!
“Oh geez… The lick it like a lollipop and look at him appreciatively are such porn cliches. Not every guy wants the same thing. If a woman gave me that sort of blow job, I’d be turned off simply because it’s over acting. Moaning with pleasure? Are you looking for a Grammy Award or a good job? Here’s a clue. Date women who get turned on by giving blow jobs and who have some imagination. Let them do what turns them on, because they will figure out what turns you on, turns someone else on, whatever. Women who follow your advice are just going to be mechanical and no better able to do anything but follow a script.

As for the don’t list, really? Any women with a brain who is into what she’s doing, won’t need to be told about her teeth. The only way she could not know is if her mind is somewhere other than on you. The rest if the don’ts are similar. Some guys may want some of those things, others and apparently you, don’t. I don’t like spit, but some guys do.

Finally on the spit swallow thing – yeah, I expect a woman to want to swallow (not just do it for it my sake), but I don’t always want her to swallow. I want her to do what seems hot at the time, which might include letting it run out of her mouth in to her tits or whatever her imagination and creativity produces. If that description of a blow job is supposed to be good, I’d pass on it.”

So many things here, Bob…first, thanks for commenting! Always appreciate it. I do think, however, we can disagree with someone and not get nasty. So, play nice kids, or get off the playground! Richard has been good enough to write up these tips at my request, and I appreciate it very much and find them very helpful, as do other women. They are suggestions, not the Ten Commandments. It’s an adumbration, not a court order. I do appreciate you pointing out that not all men like the same things, just as it is with women.
Now, a few points:
1. The reason they are porn cliches is because MOST MEN LIKE THEM. A LOT. Porn is largely produced for men, by men, so if it weren’t popular, they wouldn’t include those things.

2. This many shock you, but, YES, teeth are a wider-spread problem than you think. This is at least the FIFTH time I have heard about this, including in the BJ manual “Blow Him Away” where they instruct the BJ giver to “cover your teeth with your lips.” There are even jokes/funny pictures on this theme on the internet. (One of which I use in my post “The Lowdown on Going Down”.) I agree with you, Bob–it seems like a no-brainer, but, alas. Maybe the BJ giver heard that it was erotic to graze his penis with her teeth. Maybe she’s just nervous and slipped, or didn’t realize she was doing it. Maybe she’s just totally freaking clueless. Who the heck knows? In any case, it happens more often than one might think.

3. Yes, women are actresses. I know men like to think they know for sure when a woman is faking it, but this is simply denial. If women NEVER faked anything in bed, there would be a lot more unhappy, emasculated men in the world. I know this is hard truth, but it’s truth, nonetheless. My advice: get over it and be happy someone likes you enough to fake now and then. (Or, at least, exaggerate.) There are countless men who have been married for years who are so sure they know when they’ve “delivered the goods”–and are dead wrong.
There is a difference between not finding something personally pleasurable, and hating it. Some women enjoy giving pleasure, and are turned on by turning you on. Be grateful these women exist. Not every man has one. Many don’t. MOST WOMEN (I know, I know, you don’t want to believe this, and all YOUR lovers are the exception) do not actually enjoy giving BJs (at least, not in the personally pleasurable sense). If you can’t understand why, try sticking something long and hard down your own throat, suck on it endlessly, and try not to hit the gag reflex. Then, imagine a thick and gooey, odd-tasting substance gushing out of it and into your mouth. Now swallow! It’s not a chocolate-covered banana, you know?
I can see why you wouldn’t want a BJ from a woman who makes her disgust obvious, or gives it begrudgingly. But, as long as she acts happy to please you, what do you have to complain about? The truth is, you’ll never know–and, that’s a good thing!

4. It is very difficult for girls with sensitive gag reflexes to let you cum in their mouths, let alone swallow. (See above!) I am sure I’d throw up if I swallowed. Many times I’ve come close without swallowing. I wish this weren’t the case, but I want to be truthful.

All this said, I wish you many happy oral sessions!